My Testimony...

Posted by Amanda Leigh Sessions

So to be honest I have been a little scared to give an open testimony because of my past and who I was and the fact that it was not that long ago when all of this happened. However, being on this site and seeing the testimony of others has given me a bit of courage and I am going to use that courage to be honest and open and just put it out there. So... here goes...

I have always known that God was real. I have always known that he existed. Even when I didn't want to believe it he has been there... I just didn't want him to be there. I went through some losses when I was younger that affected me greatly. I was just a sensative child really and took things the wrong way. From a very younge age I stuggled with depression, though I never knew what it was then. I just felt sad for so long that I never thought anything of it until I started getting older. I was in middle school the first time I ever really thought about Suicide. I never talked much about it though because I say how people would judge others that talked about it openly. Later years I started cutting myself. I have so many scars from that era of my life and they are constant reminders of how much I hurt when I had pushed God out of my life. How alone and isolated I felt. How much I just wanted to die, yet too afraid of Hell to really do anything about it. I am glad now for that but then I use to curse it. I hated knowing that Heaven and Hell existed because even then I knew it was real and that if I killed myself that would only leave one option. Hell... and I couldn't bring myself to do it. But just because I didn't do it didn't mean that it wasn't on my mind. Didn't mean that I wouldn't do dangerous things to tempt fate. Driving at night with my lights off. Taking excessive amounts of pills and then drinking. Never enough to actually do anything. Always walking that fine line.

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