My Testimony

Posted by Angela D. Fellows

My TestimonyWhen I asked God to show me what He wanted me to do with my life, He wasn’t slow to respond………My name is Angela and I need to tell you how our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, set me free from the pit of hell that I had let myself fall into.Where do I start? My testimony starts out with me fulfilling my dream of becoming a Mommy…When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always say, “A Mommy”, and it was the truth,I watched my mother take care of me, my dad, and brother…..and we really were a happy family. I didn’t know anything about drug and alcohol abuse, I never seen it in my home and my dad never even raised his voice to my mother…..that’s why it was so hard for me to consume when it started happening to me.By the age of 23, I had 4 beautiful children. The first time my husband abused me was 1 week after our first son was born. Oh, there were signs of abuse way before that, I was just to naïve to notice. I just wanted his love, no matter what I had to do to get it, and I got a lot of love the day after our nights of fighting. I was just as sick as he was for staying.When I started getting drunk and using drugs with my husband, that is where everything started going down hill. But, when I was drunk, the beatings didn’t hurt so bad. And when I started using with him, we spent more time together. It sounds so ridiculous now, but you have to understand, he was my world, I loved him and wanted his love, no matter how I had to get it.By the age of 25 I had a cocaine habit that was out of this world…..started out snorting it, and then I let the man that I loved so much, put a needle in my arm. I had never felt so disgusted about myself …….I was finally a junkie…..I needed it. I stole money from my job with the thought of putting it back when I got the money…That time never came. One morning I was still wide awake at sun up, and I looked at myself, 90 pounds soaking wet wearing long sleeve shirts in 90 degree weather, because I didn’t want anyone seeing my track marks, my kids were about to wake up, I felt like giving up…..I broke the needle into and said I had had enough.That worked for a little while and then……………..I was introduced to crack cocaine. This was the beginning of my end. We started losing everything. We were at the point of living in a one room motel room, me stealing food, diapers, and formula for my children. Then came the day that I will never forget…..The police came to our room and had a warrant for my arrest. Someone had finally found out about the money that I thought no one would miss. I went to jail and my kids were taken to social service. They gave me probation and a plan for me to get my kids back, but you have to understand, my kids were my life. I couldn’t get things on track. I hurt so bad, I just wanted to stay numb, and I did , with the drugs. I couldn’t understand how I could not stop using. I felt disgusting….I begged God to take that addiction from me, but kept right on getting high.By this time , my husband and I were just wondering the streets, pan handling for drug money. Then one day I was walking down the street and a man stopped and asked me if I needed a ride, so I said yea, thinking I could con him out of some money, and he said “How would you like to make $40?” I was like, “Yea, sure what do you want me to do?” The rest is history, it took me 10 minutes to make $40. I knew after a while that my husband knew what I was doingto get money, I even had one guy park in front of our motel room so my husband could see me. All I wanted him to do was tell me to stop, but he never did…..I knew then that our marriage was over. II continued making money for our drugs and getting high was now our relationship. As long as I came back with drugs or money, my husband was happy and I never again had to worry about getting hit on. I think back on it now and wish that he would have just beat me down to stop doing what I was doing .The time came when my luck finally ran out and I went to prison for theft. I ended up getting 5 years. I became a model prisoner and really wanted to change my life. I became the Chaplain’s assistant. I just wanted to get out and get my children, but soon found out that would be impossible because they had been adopted out . I was so angry with God and the world…..how could you let that happen, God, I have been so faithful in here.When I was released from prison, I stayed clean for a while, but I was alone and felt empty so it was very easy to go back to the scene that was so familiar to me. I didn’t want to be an addict or a prostitute, but I was a survivor. I learned how to keep on surviving and smiling when I felt so low I could die. My life became a never ending cycle. I got high to feel numb and I had to be numb to make money to get high. It became crazy…..I got arrested here and there for petty charges, and would get clean. I even tried rehab. But, I wasn’t ready to give it up. No body or nothing can help you stop until you are ready to stop.One of those times that I was in rehab, I got a phone call from my mother,(God bless my parents, I really put them through some changes with my addiction) she said that she had just gotten a phone call from my oldest son and he wanted to come and see me. The last time I had seen him, he was 5 years old and he was now 17. I was so excited, I could finally be a Mommy, again. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to happen. At that point in my sons life he already was into drugs himself and he was headed down I dead end street. I tried to tell him what was ahead, but he wasn’t listening. (Sound familiar).Next I got to meet my second son. We bonded really quickly, it even came to a point where he was able to come live with me. He was 15 and still in school. I got a job and a place to live so fast it wasn’t even funny. I worked my butt off, but it felt so good because I had someone to take care of. Until……he got in trouble in school and the judge said he had to go back and live with his grandparents (that’s who adopted him and my oldest son, the other 2 were adopted to a different family). I was devastated, I had become so used to him being with me that when he was gone I felt ripped apart, so what did I do? You got it, got high! I went on a binge for 5 days and when I came home this is the message I heard on my answering machine“Mom, when you get this message call me” 2nd message “Mom where are you, I got some good news” 3rd message “I’m really getting worried, where are you?” 4th message “I know you’re getting high again” 5th message “I hate you, I knew you wouldn’t quit”.Listening to those messages brought me to my knees. I had missed my chance again to be a Mommy to my son. He wanted nothing to do with me. So many chances, so many wrong choices. I blamed myself for so much. But, I wouldn’t give it all up yet.I lost a lot of years to the streets, drugs, and alcohol. I thought I knew so much. I tried to keep the young girls out there from making thesame mistakes I made so I started my own escort service on line. I was basically pimping out young girls, so I could stay off my feet plus still get high. I thought, “This is great, why didn’t I think of this sooner”, but still there was an emptiness I could not fill.One day while calling back east I learned that my son had had a son, and I was a grandma. I called my ex-husband and he said something that was so profound. He said, “Ang, what are you doing still out there? You’re missing it all. You have grandkids.” I hung up the phone and cried. I cried first for selfish reasons: Here my ex was, the one who was still drinking and using drugs having a relationship with our son. And then I cried because I knew he was right.. I fell to my knees again…..this time asking God to help me change, I couldn’t do it alone and He wasn’t going to fix it for me without me participating a little bit. I put myself in a safe place because at the time I had one of the biggest crack houses in Denver, Colorado, and I began to make changes, for 18 months I did nothing but do Bible studies, go to church and pray. I found out things I never knew before, things like how I needed to forgive my ex-husband for EVERYTHING in order to forgive myself. That took a lot of time in itself, but it got done and I started seeing changes. Slowly at first……My oldest son had been caught with a meth lab and was doing time. He had a daughter that I didn’t know about…..My second son was back east and I continuously wrote letters to him(praying over them every time I sent them out.) I then one day got a response back with pictures of my grandson. God didn’t stop there……..When I finally was released, I went back to my house and collected all my things and left there praying not to be like Lots wife, I never wanted to look back, and I didn’t.I came on the Greyhound to Fairmont, West Virginia. I have family here, and I thought that was the reason God brought me here, but He had a bigger plan. My ex mother-in-law and I have always been close and she prayed for me when everybody else gave up on me. She helped me get set up when I got here and took me to her church. When I walked into Viola Church and heard that Pastor speak for the first time……I knew I was here for a reason. Not only have I been taught the Word of God, but I learn daily how to grow in His word. Things haven’t been easy with my son and I, but I have kept being faithful to the One who was faithful to me, and He has given me blessing upon blessing.On June 17th, 2008, I received a phone call from my oldest son who lives in Colorado still and he says, “Mom, there is someone who wants to talk to you”, it was my only daughter. She was now 18 years old and came looking for her family. I praise God that I was able to receive that call, because without the help of Jesus, I would still be out there on those streets selling my body, doing drugs, and pimping out young girls, and never would have gotten that call.I go to church regularly because God is my strength. I could have never changed my life without Him, believe me, I tried. My goal now is to help girls stay off the streets. If I can help one personnot go through what I went through, I will be happy. The devil took a lot from me out there….My children, my marriage, my self-esteem , but God gave it back to me. I may not be married anymore, but my husband is the maker of all creation. And I know in time, God will bring me a soul mate, I’m not going to let all the pain be for nothing, I want to bring something good out of it.God saved my life out there.....I should have been dead many times over (that's a testimony in itself). He has had His hand on me for years, I still have my looks, my teeth, and my health after 20 years of using and living on the streets.To this day, I have a wonderful relationship with my oldest son,( who is clean and doing really well. )with my daughter (who will be leaving to go in the Army), My youngest son can’t contact me until he is 18 (which will be next year), but we have talked on the phone once. I am working hard on my relationship with my second son. He has a lot of anger built up in him. I have let him down, but I hope and pray that one day he will give his life to the one who will never let him down, Jesus Christ. And……..I’m a grandma to 3! My ex husband is remarried and I pray for them daily. He also has cirrhosis and battles with taking a drink daily. I will never forget how the man who changed my life to begin with in the end help me make my decision to change it again. God will use anyone He can to get our attention.I am going on 2 years of being clean and I give all the praise and all the glory to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This was written not so you could hear all the things I have been through, but what God brought me through. This is to glorify Him, because like I said......YOU CAN DO NOTHING UNTIL YOU GIVE IT ALL TO HIM!Angela

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