I guess this would be the point in my life when my eyes were opened for the very first time. I wrote this a few months ago after years of hate, anger, resentment and a confusion in my own mind as to why God would allow bad things to happen to people who try to do what is right, what is good and what is written in the bible. it wasnt till this incident that i realized that as this site states.......the bible and christianity is not grey....it is indeed Black and White.Bleeding Tears:"Bleeding Tears from a broken heart melt the soul into its purest form of infancy. Transformation can only happen when you reach for the hands of the lord god almighty. he will bring you back in such beauty and grace. All you need to do is wipe away your tears and look up"May 2003, the friday before mothers day, my sanity met its demons head on.We had been living seperatly for almost 9 months. we saw each other just about every week. at first I think we were both so glad to be in a calm enviroment and just soaked up the reality that life can be relaxing and enjoyable without drama and commotion. the girls were thriving with thier dad. he was doing everything a father should do and i was proud to see how well he adjusted to being with thm for the first time since they wereborn. After the first couple months i started praying a lot. I started to journal and i saw the man i saw when i first met and fell in love with him. I prayed every single day that god would help me release the anger and the hate in my heart for him and allow me to love my husband the way it say's in the bible that a man and woman should love each other in marriage. i was coming out of depression, becoming stronger an more secure. the more I saw him and our daughters together, the more i felt kindness and forgiveness growing in my heart for him. I felt happiness for the first time in over 13 years, real deep down happiness. I looked at him and loved him for who he was and i didnt care what he had done. God had allowed me to overlook the things he had done and to see him for what he was on the inside. this was a new and wonderful feeling for me. I was so excited about the miracles god can perform in someones life. i never thought that the amount of pain, hurt, and hate i had felt towards this man would disappear and be replaced with a love that i had never felt, a love i hd not even felt on our wedding day.mothers day we were going to spend the weekend together. thursday i went to see my beautiful family and i was so happy. My heart was filled with so much peace. nothing could have been more perfect than how i felt at that moment.He called me at work on friday, i was to drive up there after my shift and spend the weekend with them. he said "i think we need to talk and maybe you coming here this weekend is not a good idea" alarms went off in my head but i told myself not to panic. i stayed strong but the demons in my head began to talk to me. telling me things were about to change in a very very bad way. he brought flowers and all the fixings for icecream sundaes for mothers day and then said he would be back later. i looked in the bag and saw the reciept. it had two bundles of flowers on it and i had gotten one. who was the oter one for? panic setting in. I let i go but curiousity was getting the best of me. I went to the house on tuesday and as i was pulling up she was walking out with a birthday cake in her hands. i instantly went int a rage. who is she!!!!! he wouldnt answer. i followed her till he called me off. sheis just a friend melissa, just a friend. I knew better. i knew in the gut of my stomach that this was no friend. this was why we didnt spendmothers day together, this was the reason we needed to talk. I went home and alone in my small apartment I cried. i cried fr three days straight then on the third day i drove to the house at 3am. her car was there, i walked in the door, down the hall and into our room. there it was. My worst nightmare, he was making love to her and my mind went black..........I screamed a scream that i had never heard come out of my mouth before, my heart shattered into a million pieces and exploded into my chest. the tears that tried to come out of my eyes were stuck in an awful implosion of emotion. I couldnt breath. he got on top of me, wet from thier lovemaking and held me down so she could get away, i was sobbing in an animalistic way, sounds you only hear when something is dying. he held me there for what seemedlik forever, i stumbled to my car and sat there whilemy insides screamed for help, he stood on the porch watching me. God please help me, I'm dying, i think I;m dying, please help me. i kept repeating those words over and over and over again until i could drive. i drove to the highway, pulled over, got out of my car and on my knees and just screamed as loud as i could and lay my head in my lap and sobbed. I cried till i had no tears left. i numbly went home, took a out a razor blade, ripped off the sex stained clothes i was wearing and sliced my legs as deeply as i could. thirteen deep bleeding cuts for every year we were together and i believed he loved me. thirteen bleeding cuts for every time i believed his lies. i couldnt cry anymore so i had to get this hurt out of my body somehow. i had to create my own bloody tears. i was soaked in blood, dripping off my thighs onto my feet and i stood in the bathtub wishing i would just bleed to death. i couldnt move. i couldnt breath. i couldnt think. the next few days and weeks were a blur. I asked God over and over "why did you heal my heart and make me love him again just to have me go through this?" you are a cruel and vicioud god. i was facing terrible demons in my head, pictures of that night played over and over like a motion picture show. i felt like was going insane. I began to question my entire life. every event, every sentence, every decision, every single thing he had ever told me, gave me or whispered in my ear, even the way he touched me. was my entire life a lie? I knew that we were dysfunctional but this......this was dfferent. this was sending me over the edge of sanity into a world of insanity where nothing is what it seems. i cried deep painful tears for months. the man who used to beg me to touch him and love him was now pulling awa from me as if my touch was burning his skin. he was playing with my emotions and the games were getting more cruel and more devious. he would ask me out on a dte and then ignore me for weeks. he would lift my chin and kiss me gently like a new found love would on a first date and say...'i just wanted to see if there was anything still there and then not call for days....this went on for two very difficult years.i had to finally fall to my knees and lay my hands out in desperation and plead with god to deliver me from this dark and demon filled world. i wanted to die and leave it all behind. it was at this moment that i was shown what i was really here for.through my own bloody tears i saw jesus nailed to the cross and realized that i didnt have to be good enough for ******. I only had to be good enough for Jesus and that jesus died for me so that i could be forgiven for all the things that i had done tha has lead up to this dark and horrifying place. i was a mother to two beautiful daghters who were clinging to god for comfort and needed thiermother to hold onto them and guide them through this. i was a strong and worthy woman who didnt need to be on my knees in shame and torment but on my knees in prayer and praise because i had survived the brutal process of being melted like letal melts to make it pure. i went through what i went through to become pure enough to see that god had been knocking on my door for years and i was too consumed in my own need for human comfort to hear him. I had ignored the way of life i had been raised to live becausei wanted to be loved by a man who would nver love me like Jesus could. I let the demons of our lives together swallow me whole and i walked right into the arms of satan without even thinking twice. this was my new begining. this was my new start and if God wanted me with my husband he would make sure it happen, if he felt i needed to be somewhere else then then that would happen instead. In the end i was rejected, humiliated, laughed at, demonized, lied about and thrown away like trash by the man i once loved and walked straight into the arms of a man who god handpicked for me and my daughters. God blessed us with the man who would finally make my dreams come true and be what i had always wanted for my daughters. i could now look in the mirror and not see streaks of red running down my face from pain and hurt but see glistening drops of pure happiness and sweet calmness in the form of true and bonded love given as a gift to me by God Himself. To be transformed you have to be melted in an agonizing and painful way to your purest form and then emerge a unique, unbreakable piece of rare beauty. Thank you God for my transformation.
http://www.livinginblackandwhite.com/profiles/blogs/2133465:BlogPost:8149
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